Beginnings of March

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Realization

So I think I’m going to love something and I don’t. I’m so disappointed. But may be I haven’t given it a shot. Keep going, Finish, then asses. I must repeat this to myself when I just want to give up.

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She

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Doesn’t she see how flawed I am. I make tons of mistakes. Her role model? Me? thats what she said. I do love her more than life it self. She makes me want to be a better person. She reminds me just how beautiful, exciting, scary, wonderous, fragile life is. She makes me want to be a better person, a better mother.

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looking back

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Things use to be so much easier. Getting up and going, picking a dress, shoes, hair, make up. Now is all so complicated. What dress will look best on me now, what will they think? is it to young looking? is it to old looking? Why cant I just be like….. Forget what they will say. What do I think!

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Today

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The sky is cloudless its the clearest blue if that’s even possible. No matter what tomorrow brings today right now its this good feeling I want to hold onto as along as possible.

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Fear

Its hiding, crouching in the back,in the dark. I know it’s there I can feel its presence every day. I ignore it most days. But there are times it makes its grand entrance and I cower from what it will bring. It promises to drown and cripple me. Just its essence makes me sob. What will come is terrifying. How will I survive my darkest night, when I know it will be long and lonely. Who will pull me from complete despair? It will drive right through, tearing me into pieces I wont be whole again. Ever. My eternal fear.

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Dream

To be seventeen again  for one day. Just one day….. I dream

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